A Little Blue

I keep accidentally typing “Froever.” I think I like it better than “forever”. I love you froever : I will always love you with an afro. I think that says so much more than just “forever.” With volume, chic and a little pizzazz. Yep, I’m gonna keep it.

Ahhhhh, last week was crap. Our hearts are so heavy with having lost our sweet little LuluBirdy. For a few nights, it's taken me a few hours to finally fall asleep. I was feeling so much guilt over letting Lulu go. I think it all boils down to feeling like we promised Lulu that she could trust us, that we would take care of her, and love her with all our hearts. And then we took her to be put down (after loving her with all our hearts while we have had her). Of course, she was very sick and feeling horrible. The thing that was so hard was looking at her and seeing her beautiful little green eyes looking into our souls, her warm, fuzzy, rabbit fur soft to touch, and her sweet little freckles moving with her whiskers. It felt like she was saying, “I trusted you guys.” But I do think she was truly saying, “Thank you for helping me stop this suffering.” Maybe that’s just me trying to make myself feel better about the horror of letting her go. I have shed so many crocodile tears, my tear ducts are empty, my mind is tired, my heart hurts. I woke this weekend thinking of Lulu when we first got her: she ran up to us and meowed so heartily at the pound, screaming, “Me! Me! Take me! I’m sweet and cute and I promise to love you! I might poke holes in the moldings, the couch, and any plastic sack you accidentally leave out on the counter. But I promise to always love you guys.” :) Oh, and she did. In the early days, when she was feeling healthy, in the morning when we came out into the living room, she would meow “hello!” just once, and so hard that her head would bounce like she was nodding hello as she said it. Ah, such a sweetie pie… I miss you, LuluBird. I miss your sweet little lady-like paws on my lap and all your sweet cuddles.

We were worried about how Duckie might respond, through the night and mornings. He has been such a love bug, purring heavily, looping around our legs and letting us hold him longer than usual. He runs around every night playing with his mice and catnip toys. We play with him with his favorite toy and he jumps over and over again for the bouncy ball on a string. Our little boy is going to be just fine. I think he really grieved Lulu the past few weeks, knowing before we even did that she was sick and suffering. He’s probably relieved that his little sister is peaceful, climbing curtains and chasing spiders in Buddha’s house. It’s such a wonderful dream that gives me peace.

I told J that no matter how much I love the idea of being a farmer, working hard outside and spending my days with animals, I don’t think I could really do it because I would always love my animals so much that it would pain me to see them pass. So I think I will just be a #1 country music fan and visit Aunt Kerry on the farm in Oregon when we can get out there. And I will smile at the cows on my drive to and from work.

It is true that when someone is lost, someone else is brought into this world. This past week, I learned that one of my dear friends had her long-awaited baby girl (congrats S!!!!). I’m not sure if she named her little girl after one of the greatest singers ever to grace us on earth, but Ella is a great name for a great woman. I have high hopes for this little girl. I also learned that my dear Tor is prego again. Yippee! She is SUCH a great mom who I could only wish to be a tenth as good someday. I couldn’t be happier for my girls. They give me hope, inspiration, and peace just when I’ve lost my little fuzzy girl. Life does go on. We all do continue to live our lovely, gift of life. I’m going to do something really special for myself this week. I don’t know what. But I am going to celebrate life. It is meant to be cherished gratefully.